create for the sake of creating!
Hey friends! I hope your week is off to a great start.
If you are feeling some intense energy, you are certainly not alone. We are in eclipse season right now and I definitely am feeling it. I am extremely fatigued, and staying up later than usual. Relationship patterns are on the forefront of my brain, which makes sense because the full moon lunar eclipse in Libra stationed direct yesterday.
As I am writing this, I am finishing up a week of a new series that I am calling "creating for the sake of creating." It is a very original name, I know! This is a series for myself, that I desperately need in my life, but I hope you are also inspired to add pockets of creativity to your days.
I am starting this series because I am a blocked artist. I have really realized as I have read the Artists Way by Julia Cameron. It is a phenomenal book and one that has inspired a lot of actions I have taken in the last year. It is a work in progress.
From a young age, I loved art. I love painting, writing stories, doing my makeup, dressing up, taking photos. Like a lot of people, as I have aged, I have developed a lot of insecurities surrounding what I produce artistically.
Unfortunately, I have a voice in my head that is filled with a ridiculous amount of judgement. I used to think this was other peoples voices in my head. That is partially true, I ended up with this negative self talk for a reason! Over the years though, this has turned into my own voice. I assume what other people might think of me and every possible way I could be perceived by other people. It is exhausting.
When we try to understand how other people perceive us, we are essentially giving away how we see ourselves. When I am worried about people from my high school looking at this artistic endeavor as something deeply embarrassing, it is really because I feel that way about myself. I am judging myself through the lens of other people. I am tired of blaming other people for my own actions, because who cares how someone perceives me anyways. It'll never fully encapsulate everything. No one will ever exist in my brain, I have all the information and I know myself the most, so that should be what matters.
When I was a kid, I loved to paint. One of the photos I keep hanging in my room is a photo of 6 year old me covered in paints. I was finger painting. I can promise you, I was not worried about the quality of what I was painting. I did not care if that piece would make me any money. I wasn't worried about turning it into a lucrative career. I had no concept of strangers perceiving it on the internet. None of that existed. I was present and creating a piece of art, for the sake of it. I created for enjoyment, expression, freedom, and often out of boredom. Remind me to write a blog post about the importance of being bored!
I decided I want to work to get back to that place. I want to prioritize creative endeavors such as writing for this blog and my YouTube channel. Since wanting to put more energy into these passion projects, a lot of these old insecurities and fears about creating AND sharing art have come up. Because of this, I don't always want to create. It is really easy for me to procrastinate and turn myself on auto pilot. I will spend all day consuming instead of creating. "I'll write tomorrow " I tell myself and have been telling myself that for months. All of a sudden its been months and I have made no progress.
The fear of creating imperfect art has killed my ability to make ANY art.
In this series, I want to find that childlike joy again. I want to invest energy into hobbies that ground me in the present moment. I want to observe the emotions that come to the surface as I am unblocking my creative channel. I want to create more, consume less.
I have decided on doing a different creative activity each day of the week. Strategically, I put my heavy hitter outlets toward the end of the week. My hope was that I would start the week off lightly, and work myself up to the things that trigger more anxiety and perfectionism for me. I will probably change some things around each week as I figure out what is working best for me.
My first day of this week was water color painting. This day brought up a lot of emotions for me, and I was totally shocked. I honestly can't remember the last time I actually painted. I had no clue what to paint; zero thoughts, zero ideas. When I did finally think of concept, I had no idea how I was going to execute it. Even showing how awful that painting was in my video felt so embarrassing. As I am typing that, it feels so insane because it does not matter? Who cares? There are actual problems in the world, Jordan. It makes me sad that I even felt like that. What happened to that childlike freeness? I can't even paint a silly little picture without feeling like it needs to be the next Mona Lisa.
My second day of the week was coloring. I wasn't totally confident in this being something that would unlock some creative door. I am not sure I was even going to consider it as a creative activity, just because I am not creating anything really. I am coloring someone else's creative work, but I do choose the colors! I am going to count it... I loved this day because it really allowed me to disconnect and just focus on what I was coloring. I enjoyed it. It is crazy the difference in feelings I felt between the first day and this one. I did not have these overwhelming feelings of creating something unworthy. This, of course, is because of the nature of the activity.
My third day... was not what I planned. I had planned to spend my first day off in a week doing makeup as my creative outlet for the day. Turns out, I really was craving a makeup free day! No fret, I also have been doing my morning pages so that counts as something! I love getting thoughts our right in the morning, it is really beneficial.
My fourth day was a creative endeavor, but also something that could help keep my hands busy and distract me from the stress of watching my team play in March Madness. I decided to knit! I had started the bottom of a bag awhile ago, so I worked on that for an hour. This was not an ideal creative day honestly, but its fine. I think it is nice to just set aside time to do something that involves my hands and preferably without screen time too. I know I struggle with a phone addiction, so being really intentional about my time is a priority.
By Friday, it was time to write. Surprisingly, I didn't write this blog post. I actually began to write another one. I am excited to continue working on it, but I did not want to rush it for this weeks blog post. My plan worked, I did feel inspired to write and most importantly, I felt better equipped to remove the pressure on what I was creating. I had already painted the ugliest painting ever a few days prior. I wrote for an hour and just tried to word dump my entire brain onto a blog post. I think would benefit from some planning, but other than that, I was really proud of writing for an hour.
Saturday was full of editing a Youtube video vlogging this entire experience. That will be released tomorrow, so make sure to go and subscribe to my Youtube channel! I like this process and I used to always imagine myself making Youtube videos when I was younger. I never thought of it as a potential career path, but I always wanted to have a channel. Part of me just wants to make Youtube videos and never make them public. I mainly want them for myself, but I also love the idea of finding community in people who view life similarly to me. I wouldn't find those people unless I posted. I mean, of course there are other ways to connect with people, but I suck at making new friends. Plus, some of the best friendships I have had have been through people I have connected with based on similar interests online!
Sunday was a day for editing the videos into smaller chunks for Instagram and Tik Tok. I am currently writing this blog post, so I am putting more priority into writing today than this, BUT I have finished a few reels that I will be able to post. I talked about this a lot in my Youtube video, but it is really hard to be perceived online. I get anxiety even thinking about being perceived by my friends and family. STRANGERS? Makes me want to puke!! My dilemma is that I want to share my art. I want to connect with humans that view life similarly to me. Social media is really harmful yes, but it is such an unbelievable opportunity that our generation has to find community and connect with people. I don't think it should substitute face to face interactions, but it still has value. I cringe thinking about people I know in "real life" finding my social media. Ugh I hate it. A lot of those feelings have come up as I am editing things to post.
Next week, I decided I am going to be continuing to document this journey for my Youtube channel, but I am going to be sober this entire week. I am someone who typically engages in daily gardening, big fan of miss Mary Jane. I have gone through a journey of quitting for a while, that was documented briefly on my Tik Tok, but now I am realizing I need to work to be sober from the devils lettuce again. It makes me sad, but I know this will hopefully further my creativity. For some it might be the opposite, but I need to know how I am fully sober again. It is an individual journey. I remember when I shared my story on Tik Tok, so many people were actually offended that I was quitting, as if it effected them personally. Listen, I have always believed that the plant will let you know when it is no longer needed. If you know, you know!
Well that is it, friends. Once again, thank you for being here with me. Thank you for reading, I appreciate this space that I get to vulnerably dump into. Creating art to be open to the perception of other people is a trip. It is something we all need to overcome as artists and I am learning as I go, just like so many of you probably are as well. I imagine it will get easier. The more you create, the more you create! and that is what matters most! Just create for the sake of creating and you will be rewarded. Fulfilling that piece of life is a necessity for a lot of us. Remember to live a life that charges your soul.
Hint: creative hobbies are helpful!!
with love,
Jordan